Another setback...

I haven't blogged for quite a while. 

I haven't been very well, unfortunately and there hasn't been much to say about it. Just before Easter my stomach bloated out and didn't go down again. Not such a big deal to most people but it felt quite horrible and I was quite uncomfortable a lot of the time. 

After my previous experiences of "oh, it's just one of those things" turning out to be very far from that I do tend to worry a lot about any form of ill health. My mind always jumps to the worst possible scenario. I am aware it's something of an over-reaction but with my health history it's difficult to remain calm and rational. 

There's also been quite a lot of upheaval at work with starting a new role and undertaking a lot of training for that. It's been quite a stressful time all round. 

I went to the GP who has booked me in to be checked out at hospital. I can't quite decide if she's taking extra precautions or feels that something might be wrong. It's difficult with some of the symptoms as they are quite vague but can be added up in many different ways to mean very scary or very mundane illnesses. 

So, the last few weeks have been quite difficult, physically and emotionally, which has meant that I haven't managed to do very much of anything, particularly not running. It's also been so cold and added up with everything else going on, all I've done is stayed in and waited to see if I feel better.

However, before I felt unwell I booked a kettlebell introduction class which was yesterday and that has really helped me to stop worrying about "what ifs" and focus back on my body and get out of my head a bit. I am aching today but feeling so much more positive. Once the muscle soreness is gone I'm going to get out and see how the running goes.

The race is only three weeks away now and there have been so many setbacks I can't see myself managing to run the whole way but I don't want to give up either. I've managed to walk to work quite a lot recently so I hope it won't be too difficult...I'll be back soon to update. 

Negativity and Inspiration

When I signed up for the run I was looking around the internet for some inspiration. I had read Bangs and a Bun for a while and came across this interview with Fawn Dorr, a pro runner in the States. It's a great read and Fawn is very inspiring, regardless of whether you're a runner or not. Keeping at something and not giving up have parallels with my own battles with my health.

One thing that really stuck in my mind from the interview was this:

" I don’t often say negative or demotivating things. I don’t allow for people that I’m training with to say things like “I can’t” or “it’s too much or too hard.”

The first time I read the post I thought, wow, she sounds really tough! But having started on my own journey I'm beginning to think think a little differently.

It's been so interesting how different people in my life have responded when I tell them about doing the run, and why. A lot of people have been fantastically supportive, listening to my complaints, giving advice, sponsoring me, and generally saying all the right things. If you are one of those people - Thank you very much! I can't tell you how much it helps. Sometimes, when I'm running I recite the names of the people who have sponsored me in my head so I know I can't give in to the discomfort because I don't want to let you down.

Part of what helps to keep me going is telling people how I'm doing and I suppose part of the "social contract" is people being encouraging or supportive.

But what of the people who aren't encouraging? What of the people who say things which are, on the face of it, totally harmless, but if they leave you in the position of defending your choices, when deep down you agree, what then?

Some examples...

Running? You don't want to do that, you'll ruin your knees! 

I think you're insane, getting up in the morning to go and run around.

10K? That's a long way to run for a first timer, why didn't you start with a 5K?

My favourite, uttered in tones of disgust: Why would you do *that*? 

It's silly really, that so few people have been anything but positive. It's always the negative things that stick in my mind and so the spiral down begins as I wonder, why, why would I do it? I hate it. I'm crap at it. I'm never going to be any good, I'm going to embarrass myself and let everyone down...

I realised these comments have very little to do with me and usually a lot to do the person saying them. Returning the quotation at the top of the post, what Fawn is saying is that she doesn't want negativity around her because it drags her down and it just takes energy away from what she's doing. Perhaps it is fierce, but that's what it takes for her to get her job done. I can relate to that. So, if I can anticipate that someone I know isn't going to be happy for me, or supportive when I need a bit of a confidence boost, then I just don't tell them about it. It's weird in some ways for me to not talk about such a huge part of my life but that's been interesting too, to see how some communications go and what are my expectations of other people. I'm learning so much more than simply how to run.

Focus and discipline redux

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about trying to be more disciplined. It's been a week since I "gave up" socialising and whilst I was walking home from work I was thinking about the difference it has made, hence the post.

Of course, socialising is more or less what I do after work during the week, and I'm not some sort of social butterfly, busy every night of the week. That was 2011 - seriously! But it's nice to meet up with friends or go out with my partner a couple of times a week. Even if it's just a quick coffee and poke round the shops after work, going to see a film, or my book group.

Last week the only thing I did was go to a Tron night at the Watershed on Friday which was a lot of fun. This week I don't have any plans.

Although I am missing seeing people, I am quite enjoying the focus I am acquiring.

Last week I was very tired at the start of the week after a busy weekend and I just...went to bed when I wanted to. I didn't feel any pressure to have some down time because I'd already had some.

However, what I think has made the main difference is the telly. I have a tendency to put the television on when I'm in the living room, most usually as background to whatever I'm doing but I often like watching programmes and we all know the best ones start at 10:00pm. I've either not found anything I want to watch, or turned programmes off half way through - unheard of! Instead, I've been listening to CDs or the radio a lot more. Coupled with actually closing the computer and really thinking about the fact the whole internet will still be there tomorrow night, I've become a lot more productive. I've got a lot more energy for cooking decent meals and preparing for the next day or two, preparing lunches, and getting into bed a lot earlier. It feels good and I feel very focussed on the running training and now that I'm actually seeing some improvement there, I'm looking forward to training each day.

I also feel a lot calmer as I'm not stressing out about rushing around to get to where I'm going. I can't park my car near where I work at all so I have to get the bus to and from work. This usually takes at least half an hour compared to 15 or 20 mins door to door in the car. If I have things on in the evening I either have to face the bus or ask my partner to pick me up which he can't always do. Some evenings I'll rush home from work, rush some dinner and jump in the car. I'll find myself planning the evenings all day and at what time I need to have achieved what in order not to be late. Now that I've not had to do that for a week or so, I realise how much it was stressing me out. Mainly, it was stressing me out because I was worrying about being tired from running that morning, or how I was going to fit in a pilates workout after getting in from work and before going out and just wanting to sit down. I know once the pressure is off on training I can just enjoy things a little more for what they are and missing a workout won't be such a big deal.

As I said at the start of this post, I walked home today. It takes me about an hour to walk home and I usually don't bother as it takes so long and I often don't have the time in the day to spare. But today I did, and as I walked in too, that was my workout for the day. I did leave work a little earlier today so I didn't get in too late to prepare quite a time-consuming meal but I actually quite enjoyed walking back and so perhaps I will do it more often. It's good to see these small changes taking place which will, I hope, add up to quite a positive difference overall.

My running gear

I thought I'd do a little post on my running clothes. I was chatting on the Guardian's running blog today about weekend runs and commented that I was really cold. A few friendly posters replied and recommended a few things which I am going to try out and will update about.

I recently read a running magazine where there was a reader feature about running clothes and one woman said, "I'm short so I wear cropped leggings". That made me laugh. I'm also very short and I very much doubt any length of trouser is going to make me look taller. And why on earth would you care how short or tall you look when you're training? I don't care how short I am when I'm trying to look my best, let alone when I'm red faced and grimacing. Very strange.

Anyway, on to the point of the post!

These are my usual running clothes. I actually wore more than this on Saturday, with a woolly neck warmer. It was that cold. I just don't seem to get that hot or sweat when I run in this cold weather. Which is both a relief and rather strange as I usually get out of breath running up a flight of stairs.

From right to left:

Sports bra - an absolute necessity for me. Even doing a very short jog on a treadmill when I got my new trainers made realise how very important a sports bra is to me. Besides all the "running will make your boobs saggy" - please! - it's distracting and uncomfortable to be worrying about what's going on with an unsupported poitrine. This one is a Berlei, it annoys me a bit because you have to take it off over your head which I hate but it does the job.

Vest - I wear a vest, or some sort of undergarment whatever I'm doing - even swimming - so I will always wear a couple of layers. I don't actually like the ones with the "integral bra". There's a load of rubbish. They are just crop tops sewn into a vest. They offer no support and are really uncomfortable to get over your head when you're all sweaty at the end of a workout. But, I do like colour and it fits well and doesn't dig in or anything. And, it's long. I do like a long vest.

Long sleeved top - I love this top! One of my first blog posts was about it. It's by Saucony and was an absolute bargain TK Maxx. It's great - thick fabric, thumb holes, decent pocket and long in the body. It's my favourite bit of running kit.

Running tights - these are by Karrimor and I got them after signing up for the 10K back in December. Seems like a long time ago now. They are cut rather oddly - very small in the waist but so large in the rise and seat that I'm sure a man would feel comfortable in them. They've also got lining across part of the upper leg but not others which feels a bit weird when you take them off. They are very warm though and full length. This cold weather and cropped leggings or trousers is just not going to happen. No way. I do see people out in shorts and leggings and I don't know how they do it.

Socks - Karrimor also, they're a little too short in the ankle for me, I like to pull my socks UP! I'm hoping to get some new ones soon to keep my ankles warm.

I also wear undercrackers but I don't think anyone needs a picture of them!

Some progress, perhaps

I think I am finally making some progress. It feels like a really positive week, finally, and I hope to consolidate and continue working over the next month. That's all I've got left!

This week I've run three times. I did a normal length training run, some hill sprints and a long run.

Hill Sprints
Apparently, these are the business for getting you fitter more quickly. I've read a few articles that talk about VO2 max and fast twitch fibres in muscles. I'm not too bothered about any of the technical details but I am keen to try to mix things up to help me continue to progress. Very fortunately - although it doesn't feel like it after a long day at work - I live up a 1:4 hill. I decided this wouldn't be a long workout and I'd walk down it then attempt a few sprints as fast as I could up it and note the house number I got to when I felt I couldn't carry on. I was surprised at how I managed to push on a bit where I know previously I would give in. I didn't do too well, only three goes and then a short jog on the flat - I was totally knackered from them! - but it will be a good measure of progress and I hope next week I can manage a few more goes and recover more quickly.

The Long Run
Ah, the long run. I've read a lot about the long run and even a non-running friend nodded knowingly when I said this was what I was doing on Saturday. This is the run you should to regularly, which may be longer than where you are on your current training plan, or the distance you're aiming for, to really build in some endurance. I plotted a five mile route and out we went. It was so so cold and at points it felt like every muscle in my body was giving in. But I walked for a bit and then ran again like that until I got home. The best bit was not feeling too bad at all when I did finally get in, an hour after we left home.  Believe it or not, I am actually looking forward to running the same route next week and trying to run more. Then we'll find another longer route. I really hope it's a bit warmer next time as even though I was wearing three layers on top with a scarf, my legs got so cold and that really doesn't help when you're knackered. When I got home I just could not get warm - even after a very hot shower I still had blue lips!

I've also definitely got stronger. There's a section of one of my Yogalates DVDs where you have to do these plies - they're basically a squat that you hold for what feels like ages - I've never been able to sustain it for the time they do in the film but this week I did it! Maybe one day it'll even feel easy. Ha ha ha ha.

I'm not really sure what I'll do this week. I think I'd like to try running a mile non stop a couple of times over one session, more hill sprints and another long run. It'll be a busy week out on the streets, just got to hope it doesn't snow!

Conversations I have in my head when I'm running

I'll set the scene: It's just after 7am, it's a cold, grey morning. It has been raining all night. I am outside, running...

Happy me: Here I am! I'm outside, I got up early, I'm running, well done me.

Sneery me: Well done you, yes, but wouldn't you rather be in bed? Being out, dressed like *that*, at this time of day is ridiculous, this isn't you. It's so cold! And so windy. It might start raining at any time.

Happy me: If it rains, it rains. I'll be dry once I'm inside. It's what I do now, I'm training for Bristol 10K.

Sneery me: Are you sure that's a good idea? You aren't exactly known for being good at any sport let alone running. Remember getting told off for being last in everything at school? Remember how upsetting it was?

Happy me: Yes, but that was school. This is different. I'm a grown up now. And somebody has to come last. It's not about winning, it's about all this hard work I'm putting in now, getting up, going out to run, doing the conditioning, trying to eat and sleep well so that people know how hard I'm trying, wherever I come in at the race.

Sneery me: But what if you do come last in the race on the day? Won't that be embarrassing? Imagine that, they're all packing up at the end and you're still staggering along. It'll be so humiliating!

Happy me: Umm, well...yeah, but, I'll worry about that on the day

Sneery me: Are you sure? Wouldn't it be better to just go home now? It's not like you're actually getting better? I mean, call that running? It's more like a fast shuffle. You realise how stupid you look, right?

Happy me: I really don't care about how I look, I'm outside in these leggings, after all. And shut up! I AM running. I'm running faster than if I was still in bed, aren't I?

Sneery me: All I'm saying is, you're not really cut for this stuff. It's just not what you're good at. You're good at sitting down, eating chocolate, drinking tea. The comfortable, easy things in life. Why put yourself through it?

Happy me: Why not? WHY NOT, SNEERY SIDE? Why shouldn't I try to do something, even if I find it hard? Even if I'm crap at it? You can't be good at everything, and I think the very fact that I'm so crap makes it more important that I get out of bed and get on with training. I've got to do it right, put the effort in and make everyone who sponsored me proud.

Sneery me: Impressive stuff, impressive stuff. Very rousing, I can't disagree. Off you go though. But get some longer tops, yeah? Your ass wobbles.

Happy me: You always have to have the last word, don't you?

Sneery me: Yep.

NB, I'm never sneery about other people, just myself.

Eat. Sleep. Run.

This is what my brother wrote on my Just Giving page when he donated to the run. It made me laugh, but I've been thinking about it recently because I have finally managed to implement some changes.

Eat
I've mentioned before my seasonal habit of eating Easter eggs as between meals snacks, and I'm not talking about a handful of those little ones you get in mesh bags. I like chocolate, I like cake. Before I was 26 years old I could eat as much chocolate and cake as I liked and it didn't seem to make any difference to anything.

Now I'm over 30 it most certainly does make a difference. When I'm feeling tired or down I do tend to turn to chocolate and cake to wake me up a bit and cheer me up too. I also find chocolate a really handy snack for when I'm hungry and need something on the go.

However, I do notice that when I cut down on the sweet stuff, my energy levels tend to be more even, fewer peaks and troughs, and I generally feel a bit "better". I suppose this is because instead of the morning chocolate bar I'm having fruit which is definitely better for you. I don't think I'll give up chocolate though, just eat less. I'm also making an effort to eat breakfast, which definitely helps my mood too.

I don't always find it easy to fit in my daily fruit and veg. I appreciate plenty of people manage it but if I have a big lunch and a busy day at work, all those picky fruits that I prefer to eat, or carrot sticks, just get left in the fridge. I've been trying to make sure I have my afternoon fruit snack.

A pot of fruit I've brought to work today - apples, grapes and blueberries

 

Sleep
As I've posted before, I'm dreadful at going to bed at a reasonable time, which makes me more and more tired as the week goes on and less inclined to be organised enough to get my healthier food ready and all of those organised things that help me to make better choices. The last couple of days I've managed to get to bed before midnight, and properly before midnight, not 11.58pm. And guess what! I wake up really early! And feel awake! It's amazing. I do think the lighter mornings are helping, and it was lovely to run yesterday in daylight, so everything is coming together much better. I'm really trying not to get stuck in front of the television and having fewer commitments in the evening means I'm more likely to get up early instead of oversleeping to get more rest for a longer day.

Run
And finally to running. Of course, there's a lot of full time work in between these activities but I'm feeling pretty positive about running at the moment. I'm going to be trying a longer run at the weekend, to see how I get on with that, and perhaps mix the training up a bit more next week to increase my aerobic fitness - hill runs, sprints - along with the training distance runs I'm doing anyway. I've sort of stopped doing the 5K MP3 training but I might give it a try again and see how I get on. I do get disappointed when I find it difficult though but it's useful to have a measure.

Here's to improving all round for the long term. *fingers crossed*