Race report

Whoo, well, here we go! Here's my report of the race. If you'd told me this time last year that I would be writing this I would have laughed at you. It was about this time last year that my hips were really bad and I couldn't walk! So, in many ways, me doing this is pretty amazing.

Morning
We woke up quite naturally about 6:15am but faffed around a bit getting ready and dressed so set off from home about 7:50am. I would have preferred to eat some toast or bacon but as I spent most of Saturday feeling very uncomfortable I just had a banana, a brazil nut and a yoghurt. Not exactly filling, I know, but doing battle with many potential gastric problems rather limited me and I haven't got my head round what I could eat in time to sort something out.

I was a bit worried about being late but we saw lots of people going to the run as we walked up and that calmed me down. We walked to the location, Anchor Road, as it just seemed simpler than trying to drive or get a bus with all the road closures and so on. I'm not sure if that was a good choice but it meant there wasn't too much stress about it.

Millennium Square was really busy and whilst I was nervous I was also quite excited. I took a couple of pictures here:

As you can see, it was really a lovely day and I'm so glad it wasn't raining or snowing! Or too hot either. I met up with my lovely family by the globe thing. It was so nice to have them there to calm me down and support me. I wished I'd sorted out tshirts for us with our names on and the charity but it was just one more thing to stress about at a very stressful time so it didn't happen. The Wallace and Gromit appeal people looked great though!

After racing around trying to find a toilet queue that actually moved it was time to line up.

The Race
So we lined up and there was quite a bottleneck to do so but we figured it out and joined the back of the line. We were quite some way from the start line so it was a bit of a wait for us to set off after the gun went. There was also a 30 second silence for Boston which everyone observed.

Eventually we got to the start line, a lot of people were jogging to it, which seemed a bit silly as it was wasting energy but I did too as everybody was. Silly me!

So we started off at a pretty slow pace and my family waved after about 200 metres which was really nice. I was feeling pretty puffed quite quickly and quite depressed by how many people were speeding past and how busy it was. I was quite distracted throughout by looking at people's outfits, wondering if I could overtake someone who looked slow...it was quite difficult to run my own race and very different from pounding the streets on my own. I was also quite distracted looking at the supporters! It was lovely to have all the people shouting and cheering but also difficult to maintain focus. Something to think about for future races.

Anyway, after about 1.5km there was a ramp which I was not expecting and as we came back down, to the covered section of the Portway I began to think "oh dear, this is really hard, I don't think I can do it!". As we got to 3km I was tired tired tired and said to Rob, "I can't do this. It's too hard" and had a little walk and apparently looked terrible too. Thanks, darling! I found the Portway relentless. We'd seen the club runners coming back the other way as we started down it so I thought the turning point was reasonably close. Not so and I was just dying for the turning point to feel like I was clocking up some distance. It just seemed to go on and on. Finally, the turning point arrived and our local Heart radio team were there with music and encouraging us to smile for their cameras so that felt really good.

I walked on and off a bit more to the 5km point and then said, "I'm going to run to 7km" and apart from a brief walk under a bridge I did manage it. The crowds got thicker at about 7km and I didn't want to be walking in front of people, particularly in case my family were there so I made myself keep going. I wasn't going particularly fast but it was definitely better than walking! I reminded myself of a little meme doing the rounds:

Yeah, I went there. Guess what? It bloody helped! I also imagined some of my friends there waiting for me and it really helped me to keep going.

After 7km there was Cumberland Road and I was struggling so badly here, I think I walked the whole way. It goes up a very slight incline and I was really feeling my lack of carbs onboard. I knew I would be able to finish but thought I might have to walk to the end.

But then we passed the 8km marker and Rob said, "Right, 3000 steps to go, let's do this thing". And I said, "Let's finish this motherfucker!" and we ran again. I thought about all the people who have sponsored me, who have been to hell and back with molar pregnancy, like me. I thought about the fact that in 2011 I climbed a mountain and I was hurting all the way down but when you're on a mountain you have no choice. You have to go down to go home. So I focussed down and ran. After 9km I saw my friend and her daughters which was so exciting. I probably screamed like a weirdo but it was so great to have people cheering for me.

We ran round the centre and the end was just so close, but I was so so tired and felt really really sick. I  had to walk outside the Hippodrome. Then a boy, about 10 years old, looked at me and said, "Keep going! The finish line is there, it's just down there!" So I had to smile and run again.

I'm sure 100 metres has never seemed so long but I did it and ran over the finish line...still can't believe I did it and didn't need an ambulance at the end!

The End
So then we walked around the corner and there was a bit of a bottleneck. I know I have to drink a lot straight after a run so although it was probably less than a two minute wait I was like, "where's the water?!" and when I found someone I took two small bottles and drank them down. I got my medal and put it on then my bag with my tshirt and various bits. We were wandering forwards and it was really packed when I spotted my parents. At points when it felt so hard I just wanted my mum so it was lovely that she was there at the end. I gave her a massive hug and both my parents were really proud of us and thanked Rob for looking after me. I still couldn't believe I did it!

We made arrangements for later on in the day and went to pick up my bag.

My stomach started hurting really badly at this point but I'd brought some medication with me so we sat down and I took that and then we went for a fizzy sugary drink and some cake and it was very very brilliant.

The countdown begins

Well, here's my race number. It'll be pinned on to my top tomorrow. If you see me say hi!

I'm disappointed at becoming so ill lately that training has had to take a back seat. I'm not even sure how good I'll feel tomorrow but I am determined to turn up and try to get round at the least.

My stomach problems seem to be getting worse and worse and I've been experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort. I'm also very tired a lot of the time. I'm getting further tests done to see what it may be so finding an answer will be good but for now, I've just got to try to carry on the best I can. And "run" 10k!

The last run I did was a week ago and it was probably the best run I've done ever. I ran a full 4k without stopping at about 11kph. What an achievement. I felt pretty good and didn't feel too knackered after. If I can just get into that pace and mindset of "do not stop" I'll be ok. I just really hope my stomach is playing nicely and I can stand up straight (it really has been that bad lately.).

I have to give MASSIVE PROPS to my wonderful partner Rob who set a brilliant pace for me and is going to run with me tomorrow to look after me. He's been training alongside me and is making brilliant progress. We've both signed up for Westonbirt 10K in June and he'll run his own race there and do a great time, no doubt.

I'm just thinking about tomorrow so I've eaten a good dinner and now I'm just sorting out how we'll get there, how on earth you tie your timing chip to your trainers and then it's an early night for an early start.

I'll be back tomorrow or Monday to report back. Have great weekends!

Another setback...

I haven't blogged for quite a while. 

I haven't been very well, unfortunately and there hasn't been much to say about it. Just before Easter my stomach bloated out and didn't go down again. Not such a big deal to most people but it felt quite horrible and I was quite uncomfortable a lot of the time. 

After my previous experiences of "oh, it's just one of those things" turning out to be very far from that I do tend to worry a lot about any form of ill health. My mind always jumps to the worst possible scenario. I am aware it's something of an over-reaction but with my health history it's difficult to remain calm and rational. 

There's also been quite a lot of upheaval at work with starting a new role and undertaking a lot of training for that. It's been quite a stressful time all round. 

I went to the GP who has booked me in to be checked out at hospital. I can't quite decide if she's taking extra precautions or feels that something might be wrong. It's difficult with some of the symptoms as they are quite vague but can be added up in many different ways to mean very scary or very mundane illnesses. 

So, the last few weeks have been quite difficult, physically and emotionally, which has meant that I haven't managed to do very much of anything, particularly not running. It's also been so cold and added up with everything else going on, all I've done is stayed in and waited to see if I feel better.

However, before I felt unwell I booked a kettlebell introduction class which was yesterday and that has really helped me to stop worrying about "what ifs" and focus back on my body and get out of my head a bit. I am aching today but feeling so much more positive. Once the muscle soreness is gone I'm going to get out and see how the running goes.

The race is only three weeks away now and there have been so many setbacks I can't see myself managing to run the whole way but I don't want to give up either. I've managed to walk to work quite a lot recently so I hope it won't be too difficult...I'll be back soon to update. 

Negativity and Inspiration

When I signed up for the run I was looking around the internet for some inspiration. I had read Bangs and a Bun for a while and came across this interview with Fawn Dorr, a pro runner in the States. It's a great read and Fawn is very inspiring, regardless of whether you're a runner or not. Keeping at something and not giving up have parallels with my own battles with my health.

One thing that really stuck in my mind from the interview was this:

" I don’t often say negative or demotivating things. I don’t allow for people that I’m training with to say things like “I can’t” or “it’s too much or too hard.”

The first time I read the post I thought, wow, she sounds really tough! But having started on my own journey I'm beginning to think think a little differently.

It's been so interesting how different people in my life have responded when I tell them about doing the run, and why. A lot of people have been fantastically supportive, listening to my complaints, giving advice, sponsoring me, and generally saying all the right things. If you are one of those people - Thank you very much! I can't tell you how much it helps. Sometimes, when I'm running I recite the names of the people who have sponsored me in my head so I know I can't give in to the discomfort because I don't want to let you down.

Part of what helps to keep me going is telling people how I'm doing and I suppose part of the "social contract" is people being encouraging or supportive.

But what of the people who aren't encouraging? What of the people who say things which are, on the face of it, totally harmless, but if they leave you in the position of defending your choices, when deep down you agree, what then?

Some examples...

Running? You don't want to do that, you'll ruin your knees! 

I think you're insane, getting up in the morning to go and run around.

10K? That's a long way to run for a first timer, why didn't you start with a 5K?

My favourite, uttered in tones of disgust: Why would you do *that*? 

It's silly really, that so few people have been anything but positive. It's always the negative things that stick in my mind and so the spiral down begins as I wonder, why, why would I do it? I hate it. I'm crap at it. I'm never going to be any good, I'm going to embarrass myself and let everyone down...

I realised these comments have very little to do with me and usually a lot to do the person saying them. Returning the quotation at the top of the post, what Fawn is saying is that she doesn't want negativity around her because it drags her down and it just takes energy away from what she's doing. Perhaps it is fierce, but that's what it takes for her to get her job done. I can relate to that. So, if I can anticipate that someone I know isn't going to be happy for me, or supportive when I need a bit of a confidence boost, then I just don't tell them about it. It's weird in some ways for me to not talk about such a huge part of my life but that's been interesting too, to see how some communications go and what are my expectations of other people. I'm learning so much more than simply how to run.

Focus and discipline redux

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about trying to be more disciplined. It's been a week since I "gave up" socialising and whilst I was walking home from work I was thinking about the difference it has made, hence the post.

Of course, socialising is more or less what I do after work during the week, and I'm not some sort of social butterfly, busy every night of the week. That was 2011 - seriously! But it's nice to meet up with friends or go out with my partner a couple of times a week. Even if it's just a quick coffee and poke round the shops after work, going to see a film, or my book group.

Last week the only thing I did was go to a Tron night at the Watershed on Friday which was a lot of fun. This week I don't have any plans.

Although I am missing seeing people, I am quite enjoying the focus I am acquiring.

Last week I was very tired at the start of the week after a busy weekend and I just...went to bed when I wanted to. I didn't feel any pressure to have some down time because I'd already had some.

However, what I think has made the main difference is the telly. I have a tendency to put the television on when I'm in the living room, most usually as background to whatever I'm doing but I often like watching programmes and we all know the best ones start at 10:00pm. I've either not found anything I want to watch, or turned programmes off half way through - unheard of! Instead, I've been listening to CDs or the radio a lot more. Coupled with actually closing the computer and really thinking about the fact the whole internet will still be there tomorrow night, I've become a lot more productive. I've got a lot more energy for cooking decent meals and preparing for the next day or two, preparing lunches, and getting into bed a lot earlier. It feels good and I feel very focussed on the running training and now that I'm actually seeing some improvement there, I'm looking forward to training each day.

I also feel a lot calmer as I'm not stressing out about rushing around to get to where I'm going. I can't park my car near where I work at all so I have to get the bus to and from work. This usually takes at least half an hour compared to 15 or 20 mins door to door in the car. If I have things on in the evening I either have to face the bus or ask my partner to pick me up which he can't always do. Some evenings I'll rush home from work, rush some dinner and jump in the car. I'll find myself planning the evenings all day and at what time I need to have achieved what in order not to be late. Now that I've not had to do that for a week or so, I realise how much it was stressing me out. Mainly, it was stressing me out because I was worrying about being tired from running that morning, or how I was going to fit in a pilates workout after getting in from work and before going out and just wanting to sit down. I know once the pressure is off on training I can just enjoy things a little more for what they are and missing a workout won't be such a big deal.

As I said at the start of this post, I walked home today. It takes me about an hour to walk home and I usually don't bother as it takes so long and I often don't have the time in the day to spare. But today I did, and as I walked in too, that was my workout for the day. I did leave work a little earlier today so I didn't get in too late to prepare quite a time-consuming meal but I actually quite enjoyed walking back and so perhaps I will do it more often. It's good to see these small changes taking place which will, I hope, add up to quite a positive difference overall.

My running gear

I thought I'd do a little post on my running clothes. I was chatting on the Guardian's running blog today about weekend runs and commented that I was really cold. A few friendly posters replied and recommended a few things which I am going to try out and will update about.

I recently read a running magazine where there was a reader feature about running clothes and one woman said, "I'm short so I wear cropped leggings". That made me laugh. I'm also very short and I very much doubt any length of trouser is going to make me look taller. And why on earth would you care how short or tall you look when you're training? I don't care how short I am when I'm trying to look my best, let alone when I'm red faced and grimacing. Very strange.

Anyway, on to the point of the post!

These are my usual running clothes. I actually wore more than this on Saturday, with a woolly neck warmer. It was that cold. I just don't seem to get that hot or sweat when I run in this cold weather. Which is both a relief and rather strange as I usually get out of breath running up a flight of stairs.

From right to left:

Sports bra - an absolute necessity for me. Even doing a very short jog on a treadmill when I got my new trainers made realise how very important a sports bra is to me. Besides all the "running will make your boobs saggy" - please! - it's distracting and uncomfortable to be worrying about what's going on with an unsupported poitrine. This one is a Berlei, it annoys me a bit because you have to take it off over your head which I hate but it does the job.

Vest - I wear a vest, or some sort of undergarment whatever I'm doing - even swimming - so I will always wear a couple of layers. I don't actually like the ones with the "integral bra". There's a load of rubbish. They are just crop tops sewn into a vest. They offer no support and are really uncomfortable to get over your head when you're all sweaty at the end of a workout. But, I do like colour and it fits well and doesn't dig in or anything. And, it's long. I do like a long vest.

Long sleeved top - I love this top! One of my first blog posts was about it. It's by Saucony and was an absolute bargain TK Maxx. It's great - thick fabric, thumb holes, decent pocket and long in the body. It's my favourite bit of running kit.

Running tights - these are by Karrimor and I got them after signing up for the 10K back in December. Seems like a long time ago now. They are cut rather oddly - very small in the waist but so large in the rise and seat that I'm sure a man would feel comfortable in them. They've also got lining across part of the upper leg but not others which feels a bit weird when you take them off. They are very warm though and full length. This cold weather and cropped leggings or trousers is just not going to happen. No way. I do see people out in shorts and leggings and I don't know how they do it.

Socks - Karrimor also, they're a little too short in the ankle for me, I like to pull my socks UP! I'm hoping to get some new ones soon to keep my ankles warm.

I also wear undercrackers but I don't think anyone needs a picture of them!

Some progress, perhaps

I think I am finally making some progress. It feels like a really positive week, finally, and I hope to consolidate and continue working over the next month. That's all I've got left!

This week I've run three times. I did a normal length training run, some hill sprints and a long run.

Hill Sprints
Apparently, these are the business for getting you fitter more quickly. I've read a few articles that talk about VO2 max and fast twitch fibres in muscles. I'm not too bothered about any of the technical details but I am keen to try to mix things up to help me continue to progress. Very fortunately - although it doesn't feel like it after a long day at work - I live up a 1:4 hill. I decided this wouldn't be a long workout and I'd walk down it then attempt a few sprints as fast as I could up it and note the house number I got to when I felt I couldn't carry on. I was surprised at how I managed to push on a bit where I know previously I would give in. I didn't do too well, only three goes and then a short jog on the flat - I was totally knackered from them! - but it will be a good measure of progress and I hope next week I can manage a few more goes and recover more quickly.

The Long Run
Ah, the long run. I've read a lot about the long run and even a non-running friend nodded knowingly when I said this was what I was doing on Saturday. This is the run you should to regularly, which may be longer than where you are on your current training plan, or the distance you're aiming for, to really build in some endurance. I plotted a five mile route and out we went. It was so so cold and at points it felt like every muscle in my body was giving in. But I walked for a bit and then ran again like that until I got home. The best bit was not feeling too bad at all when I did finally get in, an hour after we left home.  Believe it or not, I am actually looking forward to running the same route next week and trying to run more. Then we'll find another longer route. I really hope it's a bit warmer next time as even though I was wearing three layers on top with a scarf, my legs got so cold and that really doesn't help when you're knackered. When I got home I just could not get warm - even after a very hot shower I still had blue lips!

I've also definitely got stronger. There's a section of one of my Yogalates DVDs where you have to do these plies - they're basically a squat that you hold for what feels like ages - I've never been able to sustain it for the time they do in the film but this week I did it! Maybe one day it'll even feel easy. Ha ha ha ha.

I'm not really sure what I'll do this week. I think I'd like to try running a mile non stop a couple of times over one session, more hill sprints and another long run. It'll be a busy week out on the streets, just got to hope it doesn't snow!

Conversations I have in my head when I'm running

I'll set the scene: It's just after 7am, it's a cold, grey morning. It has been raining all night. I am outside, running...

Happy me: Here I am! I'm outside, I got up early, I'm running, well done me.

Sneery me: Well done you, yes, but wouldn't you rather be in bed? Being out, dressed like *that*, at this time of day is ridiculous, this isn't you. It's so cold! And so windy. It might start raining at any time.

Happy me: If it rains, it rains. I'll be dry once I'm inside. It's what I do now, I'm training for Bristol 10K.

Sneery me: Are you sure that's a good idea? You aren't exactly known for being good at any sport let alone running. Remember getting told off for being last in everything at school? Remember how upsetting it was?

Happy me: Yes, but that was school. This is different. I'm a grown up now. And somebody has to come last. It's not about winning, it's about all this hard work I'm putting in now, getting up, going out to run, doing the conditioning, trying to eat and sleep well so that people know how hard I'm trying, wherever I come in at the race.

Sneery me: But what if you do come last in the race on the day? Won't that be embarrassing? Imagine that, they're all packing up at the end and you're still staggering along. It'll be so humiliating!

Happy me: Umm, well...yeah, but, I'll worry about that on the day

Sneery me: Are you sure? Wouldn't it be better to just go home now? It's not like you're actually getting better? I mean, call that running? It's more like a fast shuffle. You realise how stupid you look, right?

Happy me: I really don't care about how I look, I'm outside in these leggings, after all. And shut up! I AM running. I'm running faster than if I was still in bed, aren't I?

Sneery me: All I'm saying is, you're not really cut for this stuff. It's just not what you're good at. You're good at sitting down, eating chocolate, drinking tea. The comfortable, easy things in life. Why put yourself through it?

Happy me: Why not? WHY NOT, SNEERY SIDE? Why shouldn't I try to do something, even if I find it hard? Even if I'm crap at it? You can't be good at everything, and I think the very fact that I'm so crap makes it more important that I get out of bed and get on with training. I've got to do it right, put the effort in and make everyone who sponsored me proud.

Sneery me: Impressive stuff, impressive stuff. Very rousing, I can't disagree. Off you go though. But get some longer tops, yeah? Your ass wobbles.

Happy me: You always have to have the last word, don't you?

Sneery me: Yep.

NB, I'm never sneery about other people, just myself.

Eat. Sleep. Run.

This is what my brother wrote on my Just Giving page when he donated to the run. It made me laugh, but I've been thinking about it recently because I have finally managed to implement some changes.

Eat
I've mentioned before my seasonal habit of eating Easter eggs as between meals snacks, and I'm not talking about a handful of those little ones you get in mesh bags. I like chocolate, I like cake. Before I was 26 years old I could eat as much chocolate and cake as I liked and it didn't seem to make any difference to anything.

Now I'm over 30 it most certainly does make a difference. When I'm feeling tired or down I do tend to turn to chocolate and cake to wake me up a bit and cheer me up too. I also find chocolate a really handy snack for when I'm hungry and need something on the go.

However, I do notice that when I cut down on the sweet stuff, my energy levels tend to be more even, fewer peaks and troughs, and I generally feel a bit "better". I suppose this is because instead of the morning chocolate bar I'm having fruit which is definitely better for you. I don't think I'll give up chocolate though, just eat less. I'm also making an effort to eat breakfast, which definitely helps my mood too.

I don't always find it easy to fit in my daily fruit and veg. I appreciate plenty of people manage it but if I have a big lunch and a busy day at work, all those picky fruits that I prefer to eat, or carrot sticks, just get left in the fridge. I've been trying to make sure I have my afternoon fruit snack.

A pot of fruit I've brought to work today - apples, grapes and blueberries

 

Sleep
As I've posted before, I'm dreadful at going to bed at a reasonable time, which makes me more and more tired as the week goes on and less inclined to be organised enough to get my healthier food ready and all of those organised things that help me to make better choices. The last couple of days I've managed to get to bed before midnight, and properly before midnight, not 11.58pm. And guess what! I wake up really early! And feel awake! It's amazing. I do think the lighter mornings are helping, and it was lovely to run yesterday in daylight, so everything is coming together much better. I'm really trying not to get stuck in front of the television and having fewer commitments in the evening means I'm more likely to get up early instead of oversleeping to get more rest for a longer day.

Run
And finally to running. Of course, there's a lot of full time work in between these activities but I'm feeling pretty positive about running at the moment. I'm going to be trying a longer run at the weekend, to see how I get on with that, and perhaps mix the training up a bit more next week to increase my aerobic fitness - hill runs, sprints - along with the training distance runs I'm doing anyway. I've sort of stopped doing the 5K MP3 training but I might give it a try again and see how I get on. I do get disappointed when I find it difficult though but it's useful to have a measure.

Here's to improving all round for the long term. *fingers crossed*

Update

I've been trying to update on Sundays and reflect on the past week and think about the coming week. I'm more than a little late this week - I can't believe it's Wednesday tomorrow.

So last week...after my go on the treadmill at the gym, I've not managed to do much else. I feel really bad about it but my energy levels have been through the floor. I was also attending the Women's Literature Festival all weekend, which was fantastic, but which meant I didn't have time to get out for a long run. And the times I might have got myself out I just wanted to slump on the sofa. Sometimes you just have to know when to rest.

This week I am trying to shape up a bit - my diet (and I mean what I'm eating, not anything prescriptive) hasn't been doing me any favours I'm sure so I'm upping the fruit and veg content this week, really making sure I get to bed earlier, and obviously not socialising and wearing myself out more!

I had been expecting work to be reasonably manageable but it's been a really busy week and I can't believe I'm nearly half way through the week - the start of the week usually drags by! I had hoped to run tomorrow but as there's a 9am meeting, unless I sleep amazingly and wake up ready to go at 6:30am it's not going to happen. I'm going to focus on walking to work this week, and trying to do some DVDs and then resetting the running on Saturday.

I do feel a bit of a let-down and all of my reasons like excuses. The most free time I had over the weekend was Sunday morning so I cleaned the house - it really needed it! - instead of doing exercise. These are the sorts of choices I find that I have to make, and which is why I've give up socialising. I'm not really sure how people manage to do everything when they are training for really long runs, working in demanding jobs, socialising, keeping up with their household and family responsibilities. I guess they don't need as much sleep as me? Or perhaps they manage their time a lot better and spend less time sitting on the sofa recharging like I do? In the spirit of the above, I'm going to tidy my bedroom now instead of messing about online and that'll be another job done that won't need to be done at the weekend.

Gym and treadmill: review

Today I went to the gym to have a go at running on a treadmill.

I went to Hengrove Leisure Centre which isn't the closest gym to where I live but possibly the nearest that didn't require a contract. I'll be investigating this more closely soon as it is a drive away. But, all good experience. I've been there before a few times to swim so know how it all works and know the layout.

There was a bit of a kerfuffle as I had to have a gym induction before I could use the gym. This was fine but did involve a small amount of rigmarole. The induction wasn't too onerous and I was introduced to the cross-trainer and the treadmill. Times have moved on since I was last at a gym - they now have touchscreens, Iphone jacks and pictures which tell you the muscles you're working. They also gave me static shocks every time I touched them.

I started off on a cross trainer. This was quite different to trainers I'd previously used but I got into it. It wasn't really clear which buttons did which, in spite of just being shown. Oops!

On to the treadmill to attempt a run. I always believed that running on a treadmill was a lot easier than running on the road. Previous attempts at running on a treadmill led me to believe running was pretty straightforward. That was quickly cleared up once I got out on the road. Road running is so much harder, right?

WRONG.

My legs were killing me after a few seconds! I don't think they ache like that on the road. They continued to ache the entire time I was on the machine. It was really hard to force myself to keep running but I managed a few longer sections before the relief of walking.

I found the experience quite odd. When I'm out on the road there are so many things to think about, I don't find that I need concentrate on anything in particular, just keeping going. There's the traffic, looking out for people on the pavement, thinking about the route, looking out for trip hazards or dog mess, the weather, keeping breathing...All of these things to think about. But on a treadmill it's just you. And the telly, or music or whatever which I mostly just found distracting rather than helping me to focus. I found it really hard to get into a rhythm. It didn't help that the machine squeaked the faster I went! The other problem was the speed. My phone app tells me my averages but the treadmill tells you how fast you're going to the tenth of a mile. I'm not sure I found that useful, at least for the first twenty minutes! Usually, I can just speed up/slow down/regulate my pace as I wish, bit more complicated when you have to press a button each time. I finally got into my groove when a song from one of my favourite bands came on to my MP3 player. I'm not sure what it is, it's quite rhythmic perhaps, but it finally got me into the zone and I managed a longer section of running without wanting to stop and walk.

After I'd finished on the machine, as I would do after a normal run, I wanted to stretch. And that was when I remembered the other thing that puts me off gyms - the blokes. Ok, ok, this is probably a bit sexist, but bear with me! Any gym, it seems to me, however new, or established or whatever, will attract a significant number of men who attend very regularly, in small groups and work on their muscles. It's great, I'm glad they're taking care of themselves and socialising off the streets. It's just rather intimidating for a woman on her own. Well, this woman on her own. I'm sure if I was with a friend we'd have found a space to hunker down and get those inner thigh muscles firing but today? No thank you. Each stretching area seemed to have a group of young men stretching together, or just sprawled out and I didn't fancy joining them. Even down in the changing rooms I felt like a weirdo for stretching out. I'll be honest, I ended up locking myself in a loo! Again, this may just be my extreme introversion holding me back but I'm just not confident enough to crack on with it in that sort of situation. I missed my comfy living room then, I can tell you, particularly as nearly every part of my legs were aching from the machine.

So, on reflection, I'm not sure I'd go again. It wasn't actually that cheap to get the induction, plus getting there in the car. But perhaps if April brings torrential rains, ice and hail, it'll look a little more attractive. I'm actually keen to get out for a run round the block soon for a nice "easy" run. Who would have thought?

Home vs Gym

Over the years I've tried out different ways of exercising that suit me.

I don't like team games - joining a netball or football team is my idea of hell. As I said last night, I'm an introverted person and I really don't enjoy team pursuits. Well, not sporty ones anyway. Possibly a throwback from the days of school PE, the feeling of being the worst person on the team and letting everyone down. I don't need that as an adult and I'm grateful I'm now in a position to choose not to do that stuff.

Aside from team sports, there's the things like British Military Fitness which a few people I know enjoy. My brother loves Crossfit (that's a link to his box) and there are lots of other ways to work out as a "group". Frankly, the very thought of it gives me the creeps. It seems to be quite fashionable for your exercise/fitness method of choice to be all about making friends, creating a lifestyle or "family" atmosphere. I am not fashionable and anything promoting itself as a way to make friends instantly puts me off.

I like being on my own and the thought of sweating and puffing my way through any sort of exercise is really not the time for me to be attempting to make new friends.

So, it's solitary exercise all the way for me and I'm very happy with that.

Over the years I've tried working out at the gym and I've tried working out at home.

The gym obviously has a full suite of cardio and weight training facilities, classes, nice changing rooms, all that sort of stuff. It's nice and dry and air-conditioned so you stay dry in the rain and cool in the heat. You often get free personal training so a programme is made up for you to reach your fitness/weight loss targets. In the past I have managed to go to the gym regularly but it always falls away. This is because I find it to be a massive hassle - packing up your bag the night before, having to carry all your stuff around with you. I used to go in the morning and then had to dry my towel in the office, and hide my trainers under the desk. There's little worse than looking for some crucial item of gym wear then finding it lurking in the bottom of an unopened gym bag stinking and unwearable. Or forgetting a crucial item of day wear and having to do a dash to the shops before work. Ugh! Perhaps it's me, the hater of routine, who just can't get on with the organisational skills required to make the gym work. But I've learned, many hundreds of pounds later, the gym is not for me.

And what of working out at home? Well, it's definitely convenient, you just get your kit on, slap on the DVD or get out of the house and get moving. You're at home so no need to lug all that kit around, or worry about forgetting something you need - it's all there.  The home fitness kit and DVD market is huge so there is a lot of choice as to how you work out. There's something for everyone and it's just a matter of trying something out and seeing how it works for you. That's part of the problem for me. It's pretty easy to buy a DVD, put it on the shelf and never even put it on. I've caught myself doing this and somehow kidding myself that the purchase of a DVD will make me do it and get me fitter. At least with a gym membership the money going out on a monthly basis is some sort of motivation to get down there and spend your money wisely. Some DVDs can be pretty cheap and they can accumulate on your shelves all too easily along with the dust on top of them.

I don't really have an answer to any of it. After signing up for the Bristol 10K I considered joining a gym and then decided against it. I would just have to get on with at home, and save my money. So far it's working for me but with the cold weather not going anywhere and finding myself easily demotivated by the difficulties in running on the road as a beginner, I'm thinking about getting a few day memberships to a local gym and getting on the treadmill. I think running for a longer time on a treadmill will be a great boost for my self-belief, and will help me to keep going when I get back outside. I see it as complementing my training, rather than replacing any road runs. We'll see how it goes. It's another busy week so hoping to find some time next week to give this a go.

Discipline

I try to run in the mornings. This is because I know myself well and I know that should I get home after work and attempt to go out for a run in the dark, cold evening, it will not happen. People who know I get up at 6:45am to run think I must be very disciplined.

I suppose I am on one level, to haul myself out of bed at such an early hour to go out and run around, but the power of the Rocky Theme tune possibly has a lot to do with it.

On the other hand...

I was talking to a colleague in the week (the same person who's been really supportive of this running lark) about getting to bed very late and being very tired. She agreed that she had gone to bed 20 minutes after her bedtime and was really feeling it today.

Bedtime? What's that then? I gave those up some time ago. Maybe that was a mistake...? My idea of a bedtime is trying to get to bed before midnight but usually failing. I'm often very very tired.

Unfortunately, I hate routines. I hate being restricted into doing the same thing at the same time with any sort of regularlity. Going to work five days a week uses up all my patience for it. I've tried and failed to do things like courses, classes etc. Anything that has a set, regular pattern requiring my attendance just isn't going to happen. I start to resent having to go, even if I want to, and have learned not to commit to anything like that because it  doesn't work for me.

A daily commitment to doing something at the same time? Having a bed time? I just can't see myself turning off the laptop, the telly, putting the game down, the book, stopping messing about, getting into bed and going to sleep.

I think I'm going to have to.

Last week was very busy and very tiring, lots of later nights and driving around. It was really lovely to spend time with friends and doing different things but the time I have available to me to do the necessary conditioning work, food preparation and much needed sleep just seemed to slip away from me. I had something on every evening, or visitors, and couldn't fit in the pilates/cardio stuff that doesn't actually take that much time, but when you're factoring in preparing and eating a meal and travelling, just doesn't seem to happen.

I'm quite an introverted person, a personality type that thrives on time alone and the notion of "winding down" to recharge. After a night out, I'll often feel I need some time just sitting down not doing much to have some "me" time before bed. When I get in after 10pm from a social event this extends an already late evening even further.

After some thought about how to get a grip on things, I realised that I need to cut down on the amount of time I spend going out and about in the evenings and weekends. I don't think of myself as being the most sociable of people but I do somehow manage to spend a fair amount of time each week out with friends or family and it's lovely. I love my family and friends so much and really do enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately, right now, this is to the detriment of my training. If I'm asking people to sponsor me, I don't want the effort they expect me to put in to be diluted because I want to spend time with them. A strange sort of circular argument there which I hope makes sense.

I've decided that unless I'm swimming, hiking or cycling with somebody, I'm probably not going to be doing much hanging out with them until after 5 May. This is totally fine as it's really not that far off and as my birthday is shortly after I'm hoping to see everyone again to celebrate the run being over and being one year older.

I've also got to instigate a bedtime! So many things seem to hinge on getting more sleep, or getting to sleep earlier, and everything else just becomes so much easier when that happens. For example, as I work flexi-time and only do seven hours a day, if I get in at 8:30am and only take half an hour for lunch I can leave work at 4pm, get home about 4:45pm which leaves me a good couple of hours to get some exercise done before starting on the evening meal and other household tasks. At present, because I'm always so tired I sleep later and don't get to work until 10am, finishing later and not getting home until time for the evening meal. Things have got to change. I hope I can get stuck in and make some meaningful changes which will help me along the way.

Glad I got to enjoy this last night, last one for a while...

Quietly confident

This has been a much better week for running, and I'm definitely settling into things more and feeling better about it.

I've only managed two runs but I have done three lots of conditioning so I'm happy with that. It's been a seriously busy week socially, and work has also been quite full-on and stressful, as well as other disruptions,  so I'm glad to have had a quiet-ish weekend - I did go out last night for a few drinks! - and manage to get the weekend things done that help me start a new week feeling positive.

I realised I've actually been doing 5K training for most of February. I did lose two or so weeks from my cold/cough and was finding it really difficult to begin with but I hope the positivity from my last run will help me move forward into Week 2! I hope this week will be more manageable and I can really focus on pushing on a little so it's Week 2 and if I can manage day 1 without too much bother, I'll think about advancing a little.

I'm not too pleased with the news the weather is going to get colder yet again. I won't know what to do with myself if it ever gets above 10C will I? I do wonder/worry about the actual race day and whether it will be some scorching hot day which I have absolutely no idea how to deal with! Based on current events, it'll probably snow. Snow, I can handle.

Aw, man!

It's been a horrible rainy day here, and I put off going for a run for the longest time. I ended up running at dusk which was quite nice, although not so great for spotting the dog mess that is found along any stretch of road around here. It is DISGUSTING!

Anyway, I decided to just go out, do some running and some walking and see how I felt. I only took my phone with my Runtastic app to see what I did at the end. I knew that it would monitor my speed, trace a route along a map with different colour trails to denote how fast I was going at certain points, average speed, elevation. The works, basically. I nearly forgot to turn the GPS on but stuck it on as I went out and hit "start workout".

It was a good run, even though the rain started pouring down halfway through and I hate rain! I just carried out though and did some longer run sections. I made sure I stayed on the flat and my knee was fine. The sole of my left foot is hurting now though. Always something!

When I got back, I opened up the app to save the session and take a look and...the GPS hadn't kicked in! Oh, the crushing disappointment! I know how long I was out - probably long enough to cover about 5K - but nothing else. Argh! I really am such a geek I couldn't wait to check out the red bits - where I'm fastest and running - and to see what distance I covered.

As ever though, the main thing is that I did it and I think I did pretty well. Near the end I realised that it's never going to feel easy or effortless. You see athletes on the telly and they just make it look so simple. But I guess maybe their shins ache a bit, or they just want to stop and lie down. They just don't talk about it! You can see the effort though - they're sweating at the end, and out of breath. I sort of felt like at some point I'd be able to run a certain distance and not find it an effort. Naive? Yes. It will always be an effort, that's why it's running and not lying on the sofa. I'm probably always going to want to stop after two minutes, I hope the difference will be that I'll want to, but won't *have* to. Onwards! And I'll put the GPS early in future!

The Guardian Running Blog - a review of sorts

In a rather timely, for me, fashion, the Guardian Newspaper has recently created a running blog. It looks good and as I quite like to look over different blogs and news stories during breaks at work, or just of an evening, I'm enjoying the posts and I think it does me good to look at it all from different points of view and take on board various opinions and experiences which will all help me on my way.

Two posts, which to me seem quite complementary, have got me mulling things over this week.

The first post I read is called "What's the point of running?". I enjoyed reading this piece, the writer has a wonderful turn of phrase and it's definitely food for thought. I wanted to fundraise for Charing Cross and the research and the best way, to me, seemed to be some sort of physical challenge. I wouldn't say I enjoy running - the other day I suggested I should have shaved my head instead of embarking on this running lark - but I think I am starting to enjoy it. I would probably be sad if I never ran again. I'm not sure how much this is tied up in the fundraising. We'll see after 5 May, I guess! It's important to me too, to remember that this isn't work for everyone, and to try to find the play in it for me, to enjoy it as much as I can, and to try to sink into the process of learning to run, rather than than stress out too much about the end point.

The next piece is called "Should you run for charity, or just for yourself?" Of course, I'm running for charity, but I would never presume to tell anyone else why they should run. Some of the comments are really illuminating on this topic. As I've said before, I'm not sure what will happen with me and running after the race - I like to think I'll carry on but I'm not naturally a person who gets up at 7am to run around the park purely because I think it's fun. Perhaps that will change. Perhaps it would be good for me to have a go at doing it for doing it's sake? All in good time.

Frosty run - photo post

I thought I'd do a photo post as it was quite a nice morning if somewhat chilly. I took these at the end of my run, just before 8am on my way home. First run in the new trainers and they feel good. 

That's me. It was so cold I had to put on a hat for the first time since I started training. It was cold, but I went out and I did it. 

My right knee is aching and that's because I didn't do any conditioning last night. The body tells you what it needs, just gotta listen. 

And finally, a running update

I have been blogging a lot tonight, I know. So, finally time to update on how the running is going.

The last run was on Tuesday morning when I felt sick and had to stop to avoid embarrassing myself.

I ran again yesterday and it went a lot better. Thank goodness!

I ate quite a large breakfast - fun free cereal with a banana and chia seeds - let it go down and then headed out. I started on week 1 of 5K training and did a few longer runs within the session but didn't overdo it. And it was OK. It really was. I think planning a decent, flat, circular route really helped. There's nothing I've found more dispiriting than doing a route that doesn't take me far from home, feel knackered and then hear Justin tell me I'm only half way through and I've got to do it all again. It's so residential where I live, you just don't want to go past the same houses more than once! I searched online and found this website, UK Running Route Planner which is brilliant. Before I found it I didn't want to go too far from the house as I don't want to finish a run and end up with a 20 minute walk home, particularly as I run before work. This planning tool, however, enables you to find a route that takes you out and brings you back in a "circle" if that's what you want, and you know you'll get home in the distance you're doing. My new favourite thing.

Today I got some new trainers from Moti. I really recommend Moti. I got my first pair of running trainers in there a few years ago. They do the video gait analysis thing and explain what each shoe does and why. It does feel a bit strange to be running in your day clothes on a treadmill in a shop but it's worth it. They're really friendly and laid back which helps me as a specialist shop of that type could be really intimidating and nervous-making for a newbie like me. I'm sure this doesn't happen every day but another customer had their dog, Max, with them who was lovely and licked me! Nothing like a friendly dog, eh? The trainers weren't cheap, but there's really no point in me trying to run in crappy shoes that are going to wreck my knees and feet. It's no fun and knees and feet are more fragile than you realise.

Here are my old and new trainers lined up - my old ones haven't really recovered from my muddy miler a month ago:

I have been feeling really stressed about it all, if I'm honest. I've been very lucky to have lots of donations this week which has really made me so happy. Equally, it's a bit of pressure to crack on and make the most of it - I don't want to let anyone down. I've turned into a bit of a bore about it all, sadly, but it's on my mind! Lots of people have been really kind and my mum pointed out that even if I do walk bits, no one will know! It's the finishing that counts.


I'm hoping to go out again tomorrow, or Tuesday but I also need to do some conditioning work which will ease me into the week a little so I may do some pilates tomorrow instead. I'm so glad the evenings are *finally* getting longer as I'll be able to go out after work instead of trying to cram in a run before work. Now that the distance is longer, I'm aiming to be out for about 45 minutes and rushing in the morning, when every minute counts, it just ends up stressful, particularly with my feeling sick problem and letting food go down etc. It was lovely on Saturday knowing that I could just take my time with it instead of watching the clock and feeling stressed out.

This week my goals are to walk to work a couple of times, manage a couple of hours' bike ride, two or three runs and some conditioning. Not asking for much eh? Let's see how it goes.

Fitspo, body image and exercise

I was having a look through my Twitter feed during the week and came across this from SweatyMissBetty:

One of my issues with so-called fitspo is that it’s completely unattainable for a lot of women. Let’s take... tmblr.co/ZN3FptfBEVSy
— Sweaty Ms. Betty (@SweatyMsBetty) February 28, 2013

I was curious about what "fitspo" was, and after a quick look discovered it stands for "fitspirational". I guess pictures of how you want your body to look to keep you on track with your weight loss or training goals.

And so I read the post and urge you to do the same. It says all I want to say about these sorts of images and body image in the media.

I'm not doing this run in order to change my body shape, although I won't lie, it would be nice. While I was recovering I put on a lot of weight. I was in pain for a long time, extremely tired and demotivated. Just walking round the supermarket was exhausting. I took a lot of pleasure in eating a lot of chocolate and the natural result was putting on a lot of weight very quickly.

During the second part of follow-up, I did manage to lose some weight using Slimming World but I soon fell off the wagon travelling to see Olympic events (oh the irony!) and going on holiday to Switzerland, land of cheese and chocolate. And I was mostly OK with that, really. It's hard to be happy with your body, with all these images of "the perfect body that's not yours" being flung in our faces at all angles, every day. But, it was ok, the weeks slipped by and I just got on with stuff and tried not to mind too much.

When I started training, after a few weeks I noticed my body changing, and I liked it. I started weighing myself and being disappointed that the scales weren't changing. So then I thought I'd try changing my diet to see if that would work alongside the exercise. And still the scales weren't changing.

Time for a wake up call!

I'm not doing this training to lose weight, or anything like that. I just want to finish it and reach my fundraising target. Thinking about my weight or my body shape is just a dilution of where my focus should be and any negativity I feel about the scales not going the way I want them to just takes away from what I am achieving. So, I'm not going to weigh myself anymore, I'm not going to look at anyone else's body and wish mine looked like that and I am going to celebrate those distance milestones. The body I want is a body crossing the finish line on 5 May.

The Blue Envelope Campaign

I thought I'd do a little blog about the Miscarriage Association. I have a link to their website on my sidebar that way --->.

They launched a new awareness campaign on Monday called the The Blue Envelope Campaign. They've put up some posters and left letters in blue envelopes around...I'm not sure where, to be honest, maybe if you find one you'll let me know what it says?

While the NHS is wonderful in many ways, in my experience, with a rarer condition there isn't a whole lot of information about what it means and what will happen. The information on the Miscarriage Association was fantastic. I printed out numerous copies of their molar pregnancy leaflet to give to family and my GP (who had never heard of it!). They also have leaflets on other types of pregnancy loss such as ectopic pregnancy and blighted ovum, "men & miscarriage" and one for family and friends. They even have leaflets in other languages. There is a huge support forum too and you can call for support and information.

All this of this, and it's all run by a charity. Fantastic, no?

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss aren't always easy things to talk about and everyone responds differently to the experience. For me, some people were wonderfully supportive and understanding, others just didn't, and still don't, seem to get how it affected me and continues to do so.

So, please do take a look at their site and have a read of a blue envelope if you find one.

A theme is developing

I went for a run this morning. It was totally rubbish. I came home early because I thought I was going to throw up on the street.

I must be doing something wrong. I had a banana before I went out to try to avoid the inevitable "feeling sick whilst running then vomiting" thing that has happened before. Apparently, today, that wasn't enough. I didn't throw up but I've had a cracking headache all day and had to stop my run after 25 minutes as I felt so rubbish. In that 25 minutes I managed two three minute runs. Oh dear oh dear oh dear! I'm going backwards here!

I think I was a bit low on water, I know I haven't been drinking enough water but it's so flipping cold all I want is tea or nothing. Honestly, I get a bit of a dry throat from time to time but the urge to drink just isn't there like it is in warmer weather. But, I can't blame the weather, I've just got to get on with it, eh? I was also possibly a bit more hungry than usual as I didn't have the most filling dinner the night before. *sigh* There are so many things to balance and think about. Maybe I'm just not back in "the zone"?

However, to further my late night panic plans, I've booked two half days off on consecutive weeks to go for bike rides during daylight. This will involve riding my bike to work which is not something I am looking forward to. I rode my bike four times last year (remembering that I was recovering for a long time) and on two of those occasions I nearly got knocked off. I have lost a lot of my confidence on the bike so this is quite a big deal. But I know it will do me good and as I'm hearing a lot lately - it's ok to stop and walk.

To that end, I have managed to walk to work this week and I intend to walk tomorrow. It's not a lot of fun in the cold but one of the problems I have when it's warmer is that a 45 minute walk laden down with all my stuff means I get very hot and uncomfortable by the time I arrive at work. There isn't a shower which makes it difficult to want to walk in and spend the day feeling disgusting.

So, on the bright side and to finish, walking to work in cold weather is good. Sort of.

Where your donations go

I'm training to run Bristol 10K for the Cancer Treatment and Research Trust but it's probably not terribly clear what they do.

As I explained in a previous post, the department at Charing Cross Hospital (CXH) monitor women post molar pregnancy and treat them should the condition develop into cancer.

I'll explain the first stage of monitoring, or follow up.

Once a woman has been diagnosed she is followed up with fortnightly blood and urine tests. You are sent a cardboard test kit which looks like this:

It's very slim and fits through a standard letter box. They thoughtfully come in unmarked brown enveloples. Of course, you very quickly know what's come through the door.

This is what they contain:

Two aliquot tubes marked with your name, date of birth and tumour reference number and what they should contain; a plastic bag, and an information sheet. This is what you fill out with details such as your telephone number, date of last menstrual period and any changes to your GP or address. Every other week you have to send them your urine and blood. Of course, this involves a visit each time to a blood clinic or GP's phlebotomist. I became very friendly with the practice nurse! 

The samples are then sent to Charing Cross Hospital to be tested on their super-duper HCG testing machine. Four days after your samples are posted from the local lab, you can telephone for your results. Each test, you are looking for your HCG count to have gone down. Preferably by a huge amount, but any amount is fine as long as it's down.

These is my schedule of results: 

16 Jan          408672 - day of the evacuation. These levels are nearly double those of a normal pregnancy. 
1 Feb           1334 - from the local GP
9 Feb           672 - first test from CXH
22 Feb         297
7 Mar           492 - A rise
19 Mar         116
5 Apr           99
19 Apr          74 
2 May           36
16 May          2 - WOW! - normal is under 5

Each one of those dates represents a cardboard box. Counting up the six monthly tests I had after my results came to normal equals 16 boxes. The postal cost for each box is about £6 so in total I cost the department £96, let's round that up to £100. I'll need to check how many women are "on the books" at any one time but I think it's a few hundred per year. It soon adds. up. I'd like to help ease that pressure. 

However, the main project that we're fundraising for is the research. 

Once a molar pregnancy is diagnosed, unless there are clear signs shortly after diagnosis (heavy and persistant bleeding, HCG levels continuing to rise after evacuation) no one can tell whether the tumour will develop into a chroricarcinoma - a cancer requiring treatment. 

If you look at my levels above, you'll see that on 7 March 2012 the result from that day showed that my levels had risen. If levels rise twice or stay the same twice, this means the tumour requires chemotherapy treatment at Charing Cross. There was no way of knowing if this was needed. I just had to wait until the next test to see what was going on. Women who have had a molar pregnancy become very good at waiting. 

As there is currently no way of knowing whether a tumour will develop into cancer, it really is just waiting to see what happens with the HCG levels and any other symptoms. This is a desperately difficult time, with no possibility for the patient to do anything that will resolve the problem. There is no medication, no activity, no nothing that anyone can take or do to reduce the molar tissue. It's excruciating. The research that the Cancer Treatment and Research Trust at Charing Cross hope to develop a test at the point of diagnosis that will tell us whether a tumour require treatment at that point, not weeks or months into follow-up. It will make such a difference. And mean fewer cardboard boxes. 

Panicking Part II and Calming Down

The 10K I'm running is organised by Run Bristol who also organise the half marathon here and other running events during the year. Well, I assume, I've never done this before!

They do a monthly email newsletter and this month's email pinged into my inbox first thing today. The main topic was the training plans. Hurrah, I thought, how timely. I was freaking out at 1:30 this morning because I've not run for so long. Excellent, a training plan will help calm me down.

I opened up the page, and selected "Beginners". The first run is an "easy 20 mins". WTF?! Panic panic panic, all over again.

Very fortunately for me a very experienced colleague who runs was standing right by my desk. I told her I was freaking out a bit and she reassured me that she's never followed a plan and just trains as she sees fit and there is nothing wrong with run-walk-run on the day. Nothing at all. The whole point of the run is to finish and enjoy the journey of getting there, not to give myself a hard time for not meeting a somewhat arbitrary standard. Life gets in the way sometimes. I know that!

So, thank you to my lovely colleague for calming me down and tomorrow I'm going to restart 5K training and see how I get on with Day 1, Week 1 which is walking for two minutes, walking for one minute times ten.

It's probably going to be very boring, I do find 45 minutes very long, particularly when the music on the MP3s isn't terribly inspiring, but needs must. The better I do, the sooner I can run with my own tunes, eh?

Two weeks down and beginning to panic

I tried to go to bed about an hour and a half ago but I couldn't sleep. Working out how many training weeks there are until the big run and how I'm going to get fit enough to do it. I've now lost two weeks to that bloody cold/cough/sore throat/chest infection and I'm not happy at about it at all. Freaking out as to how I'm going to catch back up to where I was, let alone get to where I wanted to be at this point.

It's usually better for me to make a plan, write it down, share it and then sleep will come.

So, here's the plan.

I'm going to run three times a week until the big day. I am going to try to stay as healthy as possible in this time. This means getting out of the office every day at lunch time and taking every opportunity possible to keep my work space ventilated and keeping germs at bay. I will use my alcohol hand gel at every opportunity.

I'm going to take a few half days at work and go on a few long bike rides. I really hope that now it's Spring the weather will warm up enough for me to do this. When I started riding in the winter a few years ago I just couldn't ride when the weather was below 10C as it made my hands too cold. But, I found during previous attempts to run 5K that long bike rides really helped with my general fitness and endurance and isn't as tiring or painful as running. A few weekly trips down the bike path will help.

I need to get a lot more serious about looking after myself and how I spend my time. I'm going to be going to Bristol Women's Literature Festival on March 16 and 17 and once that's completed I will and I must focus entirely on this run. No late nights out, no weekends sitting around not doing anything. I can't say the cold and snow this weekend has made me want to go out and run, but I'm better now so I'm going to have to grit my teeth and get back out there. Rain or shine.

I'm going to do exercise DVDs that help with cardio and conditioning but nothing that'll take me out of action for any length of time. I lost a week to squats last month - that can't happen again. I've got optimise this time as it's running out and I want to finish the run, hit my fundraising targets and not let anyone down.

Time to crack on and crack down.

Lost week

Unfortunately, there's not much to say this week as I haven't been very well.

I hadn't really taken it terribly seriously but I'd had a dry cough for a few days. On Tuesday I woke up in the early hours with a *very* sore throat. It was about two hours before I had to get up for a run and I was making lemsip and heading back to bed with it. My breathing felt quite restricted and I couldn't imagine heading out in 3C temperatures in that sort of state.

I felt even worse on Wednesday but I felt I had to get to work as finish off some tasks. I took Thursday and Friday off and although I'm not totally recovered, I'm feeling better although still slightly short of breath, tire easily and have the dry cough.

I'm trying not to let it stress me out but I am quite worried about the loss of an entire week on my training plan, plus the fact that it's not as if I'm going to be able to go out tomorrow and restart 5K training. I'm not even sure what to do to start again as this breathlessness is no fun and I don't want to make it worse, particularly in this cold weather...any suggestions very welcome.

As my walk to work takes about 45 minutes, I'm going to try to walk in at least twice this week in order to get used to that length of time outside again. It's been warmer the last few days so I hope that continues as cold air is not my friend right now. Then perhaps some pilates and maybe a workout DVD to get back into cardio stuff. This does feel like a setback, but I'm used to them, I just hope I keep getting better from now.

Testing testing

Just installed Blogger on my phone so having a look at how this works.

Moving goalposts and knowing your limits

Today I decided I'd aim for a "long run". For me, at the beginning of increasing my distance and endurance, this meant running for 12 minutes non-stop. The 5K training involves quite a lot of starting and stopping and I felt pretty down about it all after Friday.

About five minutes into the run today I said to my partner, "I'm crap at running, I can't do it." He told me to just keep going. I reminded myself of times during my recovery where I just didn't want to do another day of feeling sad, of being in pain, of having to just do this day in my life. But I didn't have a choice. I had to grind on through the difficulties and hope the next day was better. So I thought about grinding through the run, just keeping going and keeping moving. And I did it, I completed a 12 min non-stop run. Go me!

Then my partner suggested running another five minutes. Why not, I thought. Except, I just could not do it. My legs were tired, I was tired. It wasn't happening and I just walked the rest of the way home.

I was feeling pretty crap about myself on that short walk back. I couldn't keep going for just five minutes more, how useless was I?

But the point wasn't that five minutes. The point was that I'd gone out to run 12 minutes and I had done it. I should've been pleased with that. I'd met my goal for the day. That should have been enough, why move the goalposts? It's not fair when people do it at work, or in life, so why do it to myself? I knew I'd find 12 minutes tough but it was achievable. Another five on top? Not so much.

So I cheered up. I know what my limits are. I've got to keep pushing on, but equally, feeling crap about myself for my not managing more than I actually can at any point during this training won't help either. I am finding this 5K training hard, but I know that if I put the work in now, it will get easier.

Who I am fundraising for and why

So, The Cancer Treatment and Research Trust. This the charity I am fundraising for and a charity very close to my heart. On 14 January 2012 I was diagnosed with a complete molar pregnancy and that is where the story begins.

If you Google The Cancer Treatment and Research Trust you get to this site. However, the section I am fundraising for specifically is not on that site. This site is the research trust I'm talking about.

There is a very small department at Charing Cross hospital called the Hmole-Chorio department. This is where they research and treat something called Gestational Trophoblastic Disease. This is also known as hydatidiform mole or molar pregnancy. This is a very rare complication of pregnancy and the site I've just linked to will give you better information about molar pregnancy.

In short, an egg is fertilised but the process goes wrong and the placenta part of the pregnancy, the trophoblast, grows very quickly but no foetus grows, or a foetus with very wrong DNA is formed. This is called the hydatidiform mole and it is a type of tumour. This grows very quickly and produces a lot of HCG hormone, the hormone that gives you a positive pregnancy test, producing all the common symptoms of a pregnancy, but with no foetus there. Women who have a molar pregnancy often have extreme symptoms of pregnancy including sickness and tiredness due to very high HCG levels. Very sadly, this is often only discovered at ultrasound scan and the "products of conception" must be evacuated surgically.

After the evacuation, women should be referred to one of three regional centres for follow-up. Charing Cross Hospital is the largest centre and a world leader in this area of research. The others are in Sheffield and Dundee. Follow-up involves taking fortnightly samples of a woman's blood and urine to ensure that her HCG levels are dropping. The molar tissue can take some time to die away and the HCG, the hormone that the tumour produces, should drop accordingly. This is the first stage of follow-up. If the HCG hormone level stays the same or rises consistently for two weeks, or there are other problems during follow-up, this means a choriocarcinoma has formed and treatment must then begin.

A choriocarcinoma is a type of cancer which needs to be treated with chemotherapy. This happens in about 10% of cases of molar pregnancy. Luckily, it is 100% curable but the cancer can be very difficult to get rid of.

Once the molar tissue is gone, whether naturally or with treatment, there is further monthly follow-up testing only the woman's urine to ensure that the molar tissue is entirely gone. Throughout all follow-up, it is advised that women do not get pregnant again as any remaining molar tissue can affect a new pregnancy, starting the process again.

Unfortunately, at present, there is no way of knowing, once a molar pregnancy is diagnosed, whether or not it will cause cancer. All that can be done is to be tested and wait and see what happens. This can be agonising and emotionally draining for many weeks and months.

The research that I am fundraising for aims to change this. The team at Charing Cross are hoping to develop a test that will find out whether a mole is persistent or not at the point of diagnosis, saving women and their families potentially months of worry and heartbreak waiting for results. It would have made such a difference in the difficult time after my diagnosis to know that after everything I had been through - miscarriage, surgery, recovery - that I was lucky, I did not need treatment. It would have been fantastic if it hadn't taken four months to learn that and I hope that very soon the research will be done which means that other women won't have to go through that horrible wait.

More mistakes, more learning

Maybe soon I'll be able to post something that puts some of these lessons I'm learning into place? This has been a hard week on the running front.

On Sunday I did a workout DVD but still managed to run on Monday. It was a rubbish run and I posted about that. My legs felt worse as the day progressed and on Tuesday I was still having to brace on either side of a flight of stairs to go down. So, no run on Wednesday. My legs were feeling better and I went for a swim with my friend Misey. That was good. I did get a bit tired, particularly across my shoulders, but it wasn't like I had to get out of the pool and we had a good time. Looking forward to the next time. Thursday, my knee was hurting! Why?! But it worked its way out during the day. I didn't do anything much, so that was another rest day.

Today I ran and realised...5K training is DOUBLE the mile training. I stupidly skipped week 1, thinking that I could start at week 2. Running for two minutes then walking for 1 minute can't be that hard, can it? Yes, yes it can! Just being out of the house for 40 minutes takes a bit of getting used to. Halfway through the workout I'm thinking "yep, feeling good, time to go home now." I'm used to doing 20 minutes. It's quite a shock when Justin tells me I'm halfway through. That means I have to do what I've just done, all over again. And I'm pooped! Nightmare. I also ran at the bottom of the hill today. It's purely residential and I went out a bit late, so it was rush hour and there were loads of cars zooming around and schoolkids making their way in. Not the most inspiring of places to try to get into this further distance. It was cold, and it's actually quite hilly there - well, any incline counts as a hill at this point!

So, not the best of weeks. But I know what I need to do...keep going! I've already had some sponsorship and I can't let these people down and I can't let the charity down. I do feel quite tired and that I hate running and I'm crap at it. But I never thought I'd be able to run one mile, and I did. So, Sunday, I'll be back out there. Wish me luck.

5K training

I started 5K training today. It *should* have been pretty good. However, I did a workout DVD yesterday which broke me a little and the run was hard hard hard! It was run x 2mins then walk x 1 mins for ten goes. Quite a lot of running, and clearly building in a bit of stamina there. But my poor quads were knackered after doing lots of squats and lunges the day before. My legs just couldn't manage it.

I'm going to take a rest day tomorrow, and then I'll be running again on Wednesday and very probably a swim, which I'm looking forward to. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be enough time to manage to fit in all the running and conditioning I know I need to do but I hope that this first proper session of strength training will be the hardest and my body will recover better after future training.

The other problem with today was that with the 5K training you're moving for half an hour and you can go pretty far in half an hour! We ran round a park a few times, and up and down some residential streets. That route isn't going to work for future runs, for sure! I'm going to take a look at a map and see what looks good. It's a balancing act as it's very hilly around here, with lots of main roads, and a bit of a grid system. Combine all that and you've got a run that's harder going up, and hard on the knees going down hills, horrible traffic fumes to contend with and lots of slowing down to turn corners. Not really ideal for me, I'm dreaming of a long, straight, flat path in a park! But, you have to work with what you've got so we'll work something out. Trial and error is the name of the game.

Some things I have learned this week

I think I posted after my Tuesday run this week. I was really pleased that I'd got out there and completed the run after a couple of weeks off.

However.

In my excitement to blog I didn't drink enough water or eat anything. The result being that I was sick and felt pretty rough for an hour or so there.

I prefer running in the morning as once I've done a day at work, the last thing I feel like doing is anything, and running is definitely "anything". (That said, I've arranged to go for a swim with a friend this week which I am really looking forward to.) I find it a lot easier to fit in my runs if I get up a bit earlier, get out the door and then it's done for the day and I'm not dreading having to go out once I'm home. Because I go first thing, I haven't tended to eat anything before going out. Mistake #1.

Once I got back, I focussed on stretching, and drinking some water, and I didn't feel hungry. I just drank a cup of black tea and did a few things before getting ready for work. Mistake #2.

I really hate being sick, particularly if it's completely avoidable. So, the last two runs I've made sure I've eaten. I had just a banana before on Thursday, and today I had an apple and a brazil nut. I was fine. Once I got back I made sure I drank plenty of water while stretching and had some bacon, for protein after. I've been fine and I definitely need to make sure I'm putting fuel in my tank in future.

To get some further advice I bought this introduction to running by CJ Hitz and read half avidly on Thursday evening. It's a really accessible, straightforward read about getting into running, with sections on nutrition, when to eat and so on. Some of the other sections have gone a bit over my head right now, but I hope it will be a good reference book that I can keep returning too.

Another purchase this week was Women's Running Magazine. I was mainly attracted by the "moves to protect your knees" and I wasn't disappointed. I haven't read it entirely, as I like to dip in and out of magazines, but after some home circuit training on Wednesday night, I'm looking forward to giving those moves a go. Finally, I felt, at the the beginning that I'd want to "reward" myself with little treat as I met my milestones. I do like shopping, particularly clothes and make-up, and had my eye on some interesting products for the one mile point. But having bought quite a lot of things this week, the urge has left me. Cheesy as it may sound, I think completing the run is reward enough, for today, at least. Must be the endorphins...