I'll set the scene: It's just after 7am, it's a cold, grey morning. It has been raining all night. I am outside, running...
Happy me: Here I am! I'm outside, I got up early, I'm running, well done me.
Sneery me: Well done you, yes, but wouldn't you rather be in bed? Being out, dressed like *that*, at this time of day is ridiculous, this isn't you. It's so cold! And so windy. It might start raining at any time.
Happy me: If it rains, it rains. I'll be dry once I'm inside. It's what I do now, I'm training for Bristol 10K.
Sneery me: Are you sure that's a good idea? You aren't exactly known for being good at any sport let alone running. Remember getting told off for being last in everything at school? Remember how upsetting it was?
Happy me: Yes, but that was school. This is different. I'm a grown up now. And somebody has to come last. It's not about winning, it's about all this hard work I'm putting in now, getting up, going out to run, doing the conditioning, trying to eat and sleep well so that people know how hard I'm trying, wherever I come in at the race.
Sneery me: But what if you do come last in the race on the day? Won't that be embarrassing? Imagine that, they're all packing up at the end and you're still staggering along. It'll be so humiliating!
Happy me: Umm, well...yeah, but, I'll worry about that on the day
Sneery me: Are you sure? Wouldn't it be better to just go home now? It's not like you're actually getting better? I mean, call that running? It's more like a fast shuffle. You realise how stupid you look, right?
Happy me: I really don't care about how I look, I'm outside in these leggings, after all. And shut up! I AM running. I'm running faster than if I was still in bed, aren't I?
Sneery me: All I'm saying is, you're not really cut for this stuff. It's just not what you're good at. You're good at sitting down, eating chocolate, drinking tea. The comfortable, easy things in life. Why put yourself through it?
Happy me: Why not? WHY NOT, SNEERY SIDE? Why shouldn't I try to do something, even if I find it hard? Even if I'm crap at it? You can't be good at everything, and I think the very fact that I'm so crap makes it more important that I get out of bed and get on with training. I've got to do it right, put the effort in and make everyone who sponsored me proud.
Sneery me: Impressive stuff, impressive stuff. Very rousing, I can't disagree. Off you go though. But get some longer tops, yeah? Your ass wobbles.
Happy me: You always have to have the last word, don't you?
Sneery me: Yep.
NB, I'm never sneery about other people, just myself.
Be nice to Anna, Anna! You know, once you told me that being mean about myself meant I opened the door for others to be mean to me. I try not to do that now; actually it's kind of a house rule. So don't listen to Sneery You. She's WRONG and mean! Getting out there and running is what matters, and you're doing it, even though it's really really hard!
ReplyDelete/rant
Thank you. I didn't realise how mean I am to myself until I wrote this - made myself cry. :( Awful!
DeleteMaybe there'll be a "Conversations I have when I run II" soon which is a lot more positive!
xxx